ARGH. I'm eating my lunch in my front of my computer while typing this post and I can't hold back the tears. Crazy day.
Ah what the heck, I have to let it out, so I might as well let it out here since there's no one I can talk to right now. Today I took part in the Standard Charted Full Marathon, 42.195km. It's the first time in my life I ran a marathon.
Now why am I so emotional right now? I hated running before I enlisted into NS. People around always think I'm good at running because of the way I play soccer, I don't stop running. But somehow, when the environment is changed to that of a running track, I'm just poor. Average at best, so I really did not enjoy running. I never pushed myself even though I probably should have. I was a poor, poor steward of the abilities God had given me; for that matter, of EVERYTHING God had given me, including money. But I was proud, deep down somewhere I knew I had what it took to achieve any targets I set for myself. I just never had ambition. I never understood, that God wants us to be conquerors, God wants us to be amazing, wants us to excel and shine, EVEN in the world's definition, I.E studies, sports etc etc, AND GIVE ALL THE GLORY BACK TO HIM. But how could I do that when I was such a poor excuse of a boy?
Then I enlisted for National Service, of all places, into NDU, the Naval Diving Unit. The Navy's equivalent of the Army's Commandos. I couldn't swim because I had hydrophobia when I was young, so I never learnt because I was such a damn spoilt child. I dropped out from NDU eventually because my swimming did not meet the mark even after their training. But what haunted me from that day ever since was not that I wasn't good enough, it was that I gave up. I told myself I was never going to make it in NDU because my swimming just wasn't good enough, and 2 months in, I just threw in the towel and stopped trying my best. This decision has haunted me from 1st July 2010(The day I was officially announced "Out Of Course" from NDU) till this day.
Most people close to me would know, it isn't the petty kind of haunting. It was haunting on an obsessive level. Imagine nightmares. Imagine bitterness. Imagine anger. Yam must be sick of hearing this, he was my main confidante throughout even though I'm pretty sure he never understood or empathized. There are few guy friends out there as good as Yam and Jerome. It's true, I am blessed. Everything I was doing became insane. I stopped meeting JC and Secondary school friends because I didn't want to explain what the hell was it I was doing in NS. I stopped going for cell group for afew months because I knew people would ask me how NS was going. I was SICK and TIRED of talking about my failure. Not failure in the ability sense, failure in the sense that I made a fool of myself, that I let God and myself down by giving up; that I thought, entering into NS, I would excel, make it to OCS, be an officer and be outstanding without having to put in much thought or effort. I was wrong, I was embarrassingly wrong, God made sure to make it clear to me.
I had to re-course my BMT in Navy because NDU determined that I had failed my BMT there. So Navy BMT I went, and I was eventually awarded the Best Trainee award at the end of the 9 weeks, BY GOD's GRACE. But since there was no leadership route in the navy, there was no chance of me making it to OCS and redeeming myself. I felt no comfort, the award was so insignificant to me that I did not tell my parents; they eventually found out when they came for the Passing Out Parade.
It was HAUNTING to know that I would not have a leadership role in NS, to not be an officer, not even a spec(Sergeant), never in the wildest humblest dreams would I have imagined my NS life turning out as such BEFORE I enlisted. I was THAT proud. I was THAT worldly. It was time to be awoken. The LORD had spoken in whispers through the wind and gentle nudges. But I had quenched the Spirit. It was time for a loudhailer experience. It was time for me to fall.
During my BMT re-course, I was a possessed man, I never let myself put a foot wrong, I stood out not because I tried to stand out. I stood out because I refused to taste failure again, putting my best foot forth in everything I did. I refused to ever, ever experience giving up again. Back to the running story, because I just never seemed to be able to JUST run, I never got my Gold for IPPT because I always missed out on the 2.4km run. The timing to meet was 9mins 45 seconds. But I always missed by 5 to 10 seconds. It was that case in NDU, it was that case again in Navy BMT.
But I had to stop giving stupid lame excuses for all my shortcomings. I had to stop allowing myself to be so mediocre when God never intended for me to be as such. I had to change things. I had to read more, I had to prepare for university. I had to get my Gold for IPPT, I had to run a marathon. I HAD to accomplish these things. I REFUSED to make any more excuses.
I still have a long way to go, but as of today, I have been striking items of the list on a consistent basis. Everything, including financial, academic and spiritual aspects of my life have been steadily returning to the course God had always intended for me.
Since I'm not going to share everything, I will focus on the physical aspect. I achieved my Gold for IPPT 2 weeks ago. And I finally finished my marathon today. Most people get their Gold awards during their training days in the first year of NS, when they're forced to train because of BMT or OCS, but lose it in the second year because it tends to be slacker in the daily routine of Unit life and people have scarce motivation to train. What pleased me the most was that I never got mine during my training days, I got it during my slacker 2nd year. I worked for it. Whenever I got home and I was tired and lethargic, I pushed myself, I had to. I would drag my feet to train, I would stop giving excuses. God NEVER intended for us to give excuses. We give excuses for everything, for why we're mediocre, for why we're not doing our quiet time, for why we're not praying. We call ourselves Christians(Little Christ), we DISGRACE His Holy name.
It was by HIS GRACE and POWER alone that I achieved my Gold, I worked for it, but I claim no credit for it because I KNOW The LORD was gracious to empower me.
3 weeks ago, my brother was talking incessantly about his NS stories to my mother and I(my brother was an officer), all of a sudden the emotional baggage and trauma and memories just FLOODED back and I exploded and crumbled into a heap of tears. The spark was because my brother said I had to stop being so disillusioned about NS and be more positive about the whole experience. I snapped at him, he would NEVER EVER understand the pain and trauma I had experienced.(I spoke for 30 mins in an INCREDIBLY emotional manner). When I finished, my mother and brother were stunned, they hadn't seen that coming. My brother then went on to speak to me for a long time, giving me advice on how he had dealt with failures in HIS life. I kept my mind open. Maybe God would speak, and God spoke.
That incident was just one of the many in the last 3 weeks that shows that God finally decided to open the eyes of this blind servant as to what He had been doing all along. He was releasing me from the chains I had attached to myself. That includes the IPPT and what happened today.
When I had 10km to go, God spoke to me very very clearly, He said, "You are released." I started to get emotional and my eyes welled up WHILE I WAS RUNNING. Unbelievable. I just looked up at the sky and the scenery around and I just thanked God. I know He was there right beside me, Jesus Christ taking a corresponding step with every step I took. Whispering into my ears, "Child, if I can forgive you like I already have, you can forgive yourself too." LORD, thank You for Your Grace.
The race has not ended. It has JUST began. God released me from MY chains not so that I would go back to my old ways of lackadaisically living from day to day. He did so that I could shine for Him and give HIM the glory. My motivation for the last 1 and a half years has been fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear that I would fall short again. I pushed myself out of fear. But that will change from today onwards. From today, I will push on out of pure gratitude for how gracious the LORD has been to me, the way it should always have been for me, the way it should be for YOU.
I am not done with my IPPT, I have to slice off my timing till I hit my 9mins flat. I will do it. I am not done with my marathon. I will not stop running until I break 4hr 45mins(I did 5h 50mins today). The race has just began. I will not stop when I'm tired. I will stop when I'm done.
The LORD has extraordinarily spectacular plans for each and every single one of us. Plans so magnificent we cannot fathom, we cannot comprehend. That is why He does not reveal the WHOLE picture to us at one go. We will NOT be able to swallow it.
Forgive us LORD, for our sins, for grieving You each and every day. Amen.
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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