Your Grace is all I rely on.

When we speak the gospel, we need to LIVE the gospel.

When was the last time I poured buckets of tears?
Sunday morning, headed to church for service at 11.
Normal day, nothing special.
Sat down alone, didn't feel like talking.
Just wanted to be quiet.

Worship started, I sang; no spark. Just praising God out of pure gratitude.
No overflowing emotions. Just another day. Except that it wasn't.
My heart was heavy, surprisingly heavy. It has been heavy for the last 3 weeks.
Ever since that Thursday night when I lost it at home. Emotional baggage came flooding back. 1 year of hurt; 1 year and counting. Damn, NS has left a scar on me.

"Jacob became Israel,

but he walked with a limp for the rest of his life."

-Mike Evans, GOD WRESTLING.

Then it hit me; that lyric, that line, it seemed unusually loud. It seemed to ring in my head, I could hear nothing else except that line. I can't even remember what song was it now.

'Your Grace is all I rely on'

Your Grace is all I rely on.Your Grace is all I rely on.Your Grace is all I rely on.
I teared. Then I heard His voice. Not an audible one, but His voice nonetheless.

"Lean on me Caleb, lean on me.

My Grace is all you rely on.

If I have forgiven you,

why can't you forgive yourself?

Lean on Me."

Why can't I forgive myself? Because I was proud. Because I was so proud, I didn't even realise HOW proud I was. Because I AM proud. It is not our religiosity that prevents us from letting go of our past failures; it's our pride.

Pastor Richard's sermon...
...'we need to remove elements that quench the Holy Spirit', including anger and bitterness.

It passed. I stood during the altar call, but not immediately. I stood and I prayed. I don't know what I was praying for; random thoughts flashing across my mind; disorganised, disillusioned, discouraged. God, just take over. It wasn't a victorious war cry; it was a tired, lethargic plea. God, please take over.

Then the response song. I did not utter a single word throughout the song. 5 words hit me like gut-wrenching blows. 'Holy Spirit, fall on me'. Head bowed down, silent throughout. My mind was blank. I'm a wreck, I thought.

After the benediction, I sat down and buried my head in my hands. No big deal; just praying. Just clearing the mental fog. The congregation filtered out of the sanctuary, no one spoke to me. I wanted "alone time", friends saw that. They understood. I can't remember what I prayed.

A couple of minutes, I was going to end. I was going to get up, turn on the smile, and move on. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. A firm, godly grip. He started praying, praying for me, for God to empower me, for God to strengthen me, for God to renew me.

Head still buried in my hands, I was shattered. At that exact moment, I felt like I was a glass vase and someone smashed me to the ground. I fell apart; poured out tears like a baby, I cried so hard my whole body was trembling. Shaking uncontrollably, I cried, and cried, and cried. When was the last time I cried this hard? I have no such memory. 13th November 2011.

He finished, I uttered a word of gratitude. He walked away, I continued pouring, like a bucket with holes. My sister walked over and prayed for me. She doesn't understand what i'm going through. No one does. But I appreciate it. God is gracious.

Damn, NS has left a scar on me. Self-esteem shattered; I have nothing. Nothing to offer. Nothing to boast about. Nothing to lean on. Nothing to depend upon. No memory to comfort me. Everything, everything erased by one incident.

'May I never boast except in the cross of our LORD Jesus Christ.'

Galatians 6:14

A broken and contrite heart He will not despise. A broken and contrite heart, is ALL I can offer. I'm tired. I'm damn tired. I'm so tired I have no energy to hide my lethargy. It takes alot to smile, almost too much. I'm dry. God's greatest work in His followers occur when they are surrendered. Hands up, knees to the ground.

Let go, let God.

Jacob became Israel,

but he walked with a limp for the rest of his life.

"...Such were the lives of biblical men like Moses, David, and Paul; the intimacy they achieved with God and the power demonstrated through their lives were consequences of their faithfulness. However God's power is not reserved for "superstars of the faith"; it is, and ALWAYS HAS BEEN, available to EVERY believer on earth. God is looking for those who will WRESTLE with Him.

Remember: You can accomplish more in one hour with Jesus on the throne of your life than in a lifetime without Him.

Falling on our faces in prayer, armed with the understanding and revelation of God's Word, we can each achieve the power of the Cross, which has often appeared to be held in reserve for a few "choice vessels." ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET LOW WITH CHRIST.

In the history of the world, humanity has NEVER seen a revival that was not ushered in through prayer. The last great work of God on the earth will be no exception.

When I felt the kiss of God, I thought He was blessing my ministry. I didn't understand He was actually blessing His."

-Mike Evans, GOD WRESTLING.

I'm a wreck. I know. God knows how to use wrecks well.